Come any closer and I’ll karate chop you, I’m not kidding!!!

“My mama said
Baby don't ride that crazy horse
And my mama said
You must push with much force
And my mama said
Go get all that you're after
And my mama said
That love's all that matters

But I'm always on the run…” – Lenny Kravitz

I sat across a new mother and watched her handle her new baby. The baby couldn’t be older than a month and I could tell it was her first. They just have that look. The baby also had a look, which clearly said, “Where the hell am I, no wait, what the hell am I?” This baby may grow up to cure cancer, become the nation’s worst serial killer, the first man to hit .730 in a season, raise an army against our government, be the greatest advocate of human rights the world has ever seen. The options are limitless. With all that potential power, don’t you think it’s amazing that we are all born completely dependent, defenseless, and unprotected? Sure, we eventually learn to walk, than run, but that’s not much good if we fall in the middle of a hungry pack of hyenas.

How is it that the most powerful and dominant species on the planet has no natural defense mechanism other than, “Run!” “Run? We’ll never be able to outrun that bear,” the first hiker says to his best friend. “I don’t have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you,” says the second hiker to his now ex best friend.

The other option is that we fight. I don’t know about you, but I have very few friends anymore who I know that can take on a crew of Latin Kings carrying Glocks. “If you don’t back off, I’m going to karate chop you!” We all know how that story is going to end.

We can be kings and queens. We can destroy the planet a hundred times over (OK DCM, what’s the actual number?). We can walk in space. We can build buildings that touch the face of God. There is no species on earth more creative, more innovative, more destructive than the human race. Yet at the end of the day, when we face another human or creature, all we have are the Nike X60 Cross Country kicks, or the karate chop.

What would life be like if we did have some defense tool, any of which our counterparts already have. What would life be like then? Better? Worse? Which one would dominate? Which one would require significant legislation? I’m not talking X-Men here, but more helpful, common defenses that could help us get through the day.

How cool would ‘girls night out’ be if you could rattle your tail feverishly when some dork approached you proudly, with the “what’s a pretty girl like you doing in a place like this” line, ready for the execution. “Excuse me miss…” Rattle rattle rattle. “Never mind, sorry to bother you.”

You are standing at ATM machine pulling out yet another $300 dollars to spend at Babe’s, because you are sure Candy has fallen for you this time and you just need to spend more time with her. Suddenly you see some guy approach you quickly from behind. No problem. You bend over and release a toxic skunk like gas in his face, immobilizing him to the ground. You walk away, cash in hand, rehearsing your “Candy, I can take you away from all this” speech.

You’re walking down the street when those Latin Kings stand in front of you, blocking your way into the Circle K. One tells you that he wants your wallet. You warn them; they approach. You have no choice, you bend forward and porcupine needle hair machine guns off your head, hitting them everywhere. You walk in to Circle K and get your Cherry Coke Slurpie, as planned.

You’re sitting next to some guy on a five-hour flight. He just ordered his second miniature single serving bottle of wine and you know what’s coming. He’s had just enough cheap South San Jose grape juice to get chatty. He leans toward you, “so what do?” I give him my typical response, “I laugh a lot, make fun of things, evangelize my work, my social and political perspective, and have a sincere dislike of insurance salesman. What do you do?” As soon as the words leave his lips, “I’m an insurance salesman,” I automatically roll up into my Armadillo style ball and sit like that until we land!

What would you want to be able to do?