My To Do List...

“I'll tell you what you wanna know, but boy you better listen close. People gonna tell you lies, don't let it come as a surprise..." – The Killers

So I got some crap about my last post regarding personal strategic plans (thanks for standing up for me Beck!) Not going to rehash that here, I’ll concede, what do I know? Maybe my life is all screwed up because I don’t have a master strategic plan. All I know is that one hour I want to stay in my current role, the next, I want to take that other opportunity. Maybe, just maybe, if I had a Master Strategic Plan, the decision I should make would be in there! Like I said, what do I know? To make it up to you, I’d like to declare that, although I might not like strategic plans, I LOVE lists! Lists are an incredible self-motivating tool! Is there anything that feels better than crossing a line through an item on a list you have? Is there anything that gives you more hope and satisfaction than comparing yourself against some list you read somewhere? Does it really matter where that list comes from or who created it? We could CARE LESS! If we read the list and we assess ourselves positively against it, it’s a credible, well-established source. If we don’t do so hot, well, “it’s a stupid list and it doesn’t mean anything!” I recently came across a list I liked. It was in Esquire a few months ago, the “75 Things Every Man Should Know How To Do.” I thought it would be fun to highlight some of the things on that list and “rate” myself against it. I don’t know if having 90% of the skills listed makes me a man, but I’m sure the list came from a credible source…
A man should be able to:

Give advice that matters in one sentence

Does, “yo, I wouldn’t eat that if I were you” count? I think I give OK advice, but it usually takes me 3-4 days worth of talking. Need to work on this one.

Tell if someone is lying

OK, this one I do better than I let on. My problem is that I have a hard time calling them on it. For example, there was this one time when someone gave me three or four stories on why they didn’t call me when they told me they would, “the dog had a heart attack, then I fell asleep while I was giving the dog mouth to mouth, and when I woke up and reached for my phone, I realized the dog wasn’t having a heart attack, she actually ate the phone, and that’s why I’m calling you at one in the morning…” See, I didn’t fall for that one. You can’t pass one by me! I knew they were with someone else, or at the very least, doing something they didn’t want me to know about…and I knew every time they lied, I could see it in their eyes.

Take a picture

Don’t you think this one depends? A picture of a flower, or a group of friends, sure! A picture of the model sitting next to me on the flight home from Miami without her realizing it, well there I need a LOT more practice…

Score a baseball game

Why? I can follow the game on my iPhone App. "So anyway, I'm glad we're at the game and have seven hours to talk..." "Shhh, don't talk to me, I'm scoring the game and need to concentrate!" 1934 called, it’s looking for someone to score the game cause Billy Bob, the official score keeper, is past out drunk.

Name a book that matters

If you said, The Secret, please do not subscribe to this blog. Recent: The Road, Personal Growth: Orbiting the Giant Hairball. Best book on life I have ever read!

Know one musical group as well as possible

I’m sorry, New Kids on the Block does not count, even if you had the bed sheets and lunch box. For me, it’s U2 (OK, Ricky Martin).

Cook meat somewhere other than the grill

Does a microwave count? If it does, I’d like to nominate the 1lb Hungry Man Turkey Dinner.

Not monopolize the conversation

Ok, we found a weak spot. I’ve gotten better over the years and will continue to do so but I’m guilty of not doing this well in the past (thanks to those who have helped me). It comes from feeling like I don’t belong in the room but I’m STARTING to get that maybe, just maybe, I do…

Write a letter

“Dear Chezzwhaga,
Thank you for the nice letter you sent me. Also, thank you for sending me a picture. I was going to say that I love the sweater you are wearing but then I realized you were naked. Although I appreciate the kind words, I do not love you and asking me to marry you seems a bit fast…”

Buy a suit

One word: Armani, maybe it’s me, but you just feel 30% sexier in it, and if you don’t think it shows, you’re crazy…

Swim three different strokes

The first time my daughter beat me free style in a 25mm race was the day I quit swimming. She was nine. Doesn’t hurt that she’s got the 4th fastest high school breast stroke time in the state (damn right I’m bragging)

Throw a punch

Growing up where I did, this was a skill you wanted to develop at a very early age. If not, picking yourself up off the ground was the second most important skill to learn. The cool thing about being able to throw a punch is that when you are confronted eye to eye with some jerk, 97% the time, he can just look in your eyes and can tell that you can throw one. Has kept me out of a fight since I was 21.

Chop down a tree

“Hey, how are you? What’s your name? Tell you something about me? Well, I know how
to chop down a tree.” I don’t get it.

Calculate square footage

Ask this question the next time you interview a candidate where you work. If they can’t answer it, don’t hire them! I just saved you at LEAST a 100K!

Tie a bow tie

Yes! Damn I can’t do this one! Free dinner to the person who can teach me!

Make one drink, in large batches, very well

Or at least have a friend that knows how to do this! What’s that drink called Carl? Please teach me to make it! Speaking of which, when is the next party! That drink turns any nice party into a scene out of Animal House in a hurry.

Speak a foreign language

Yes, I can speak Spanish and I really don’t care if you don’t believe it. You know who you are. Want to test it? Take me to Cabo…

Approach a woman out of my league

EVERY woman I approach is out of my league. Wait, I mean out of reach!

Sew a button

Not only can I sow a button, I can hem an entire skirt! Don’t ask. It’s enough to say, you never would guess that skill would turn you into a hero in the eyes of your daughter.

Argue with a European without getting xenophobic or insulting soccer

As evident by the time I spent this week with my European friends, the problem with this one is that I usually agree with what they have to say. Yes, it’s absolutely ridiculous to see someone in a Burger King order a double Whopper with Cheese and a Diet Coke. It is sad that the average American spends an hour in the IMAX Theater watching a movie about the Grand Canyon and 19 actual minutes AT the Grand Canyon.

Give a woman an orgasm so that he doesn’t have to ask after it

You’re supposed to ask? If you are asking, you need some help. Get it quickly before she finds someone who doesn’t ask.

Drive an eight-penny nail into a treated two-by-four without thinking about it

Very few things feel better than spending a weekend putting in hardwood floors, or putting up a ceiling, or building a fence. These are just some of the things I would list as accomplishments, work I’m proud of. Besides, ask the ladies, does a guy look better than when he has on dirty jeans, a tank top, and a tool belt?

Play go fish with a kid

My take and yardstick on this topic is this: at the end of spending time with your kid, they should be asking you to put them to bed because you wore them down. It doesn’t happen all the time, but few things feel as good and as exhausting.

Describe a glass of wine in one sentence without using the term nutty, fruity, oaky

Those are the key words I listen for at dinner to identify the people who know shit about wine.

Make three different bets at the craps table

I’ve had at least twelve people explain this game to me and I have no idea what they are talking about. Help, I’m stuck on stupid.

Tell a joke

I can do eight minutes of stand up material in front of a group of strangers but I can’t remember the punch line to “a priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar…” I don’t know why.

Know when to split cards in Blackjack

This is what I know about blackjack. When I play in Vegas on Friday afternoon, I walk away with $200 in my pocket. Then I play again Sunday morning at 3:00 AM after drinking all night and I lose $400. I can’t figure out why.

Ask for help

Given the fact that I’ve been on my own since I was 10, this one is really hard to do for me. I’ll work on it.

Tell a woman’s dress size

General rule here – low numbers good, high numbers bad, no matter what her size is. Pick up a Barbie Doll dress and say, “try this on, looks like your size.” Trust me!

Recite one poem from memory

“Jack went up the hill” doesn’t count. Another one I need to put on my list.

Say no

Don’t you think this one depends? “hey, will you help me move out of my 5 bedroom home in the middle of July in Phoenix,” is on the other side of, “hey, I know we just met, but will you drive me back to your place so I can stay with you, but I need to make sure I can get up in the morning, I’m in the Miss Tropicana Beauty Pageant.” One is a clear no.

Fry an egg sunny side up

Or make a home cooked breakfast of any kind. You want a sure fire way of making sure she doesn’t come back next weekend, pop a Eggo in the toaster…

Point to the north at any time I’m going to fight you on the speaking a foreign language, but give you that I’m directionally challenged. “It’s eight blocks from the Empire State Building” doesn’t work in Yuma. I just point straight and live with the ¼ odds of being right.

Create a play list of seemingly random songs provide a message to one person

If you have ever received a mix tape from me, you know that this is true. Yea, that’s right, I said mix tape! Wanna go through my Rolodex?

Explain what a light year is

Another good interview question. Also applicable with some girl you just started seeing. That is if you are into that “smart” thing. If not, just explain that it is a year with less calories.

Write a thank you note

Someone recently taught me (through example, which is the only way I learn) how to do this. Much better at it and it goes a long way! Wrote two today! One last tip, paper is better.

//side note: what a nice surprise to come home and find that by my door. How did you know I was having a long day? Thanks for making me smile :) I needed it//

Be brand loyal to at least one brand

Just make sure the brand uses child labor and burns holes in the Ozone? Are we still doing that? Did you notice that we stopped talking about the “Ozone?” Did we patch it up or something?

Shake hands

So I try not to judge people as soon as I meet them, but sometimes I can’t help it. The quickest way for me to determine that you are a wimp/ass/untrustworthy/doormat/etc/ is to take my hand and shake it like you are picking up a baby goldfish. You want my respect? Firm, sharp, and concise. By the way, does anyone know where hand shaking came from? Oh wait, I’m being that know it all again…sorry!

Know some birds

I know I’m on the East Coast when I see pigeons. I know I’m on the West Coast when I see seagulls. Am I missing something here?

Negotiate a price

We are the only people in the industrial nation that pays the price someone asks us to pay. Somehow, this rule doesn’t apply to cars, and I’m not sure why. I negotiate the price of gum! Want to have some fun with the grocery check out girl? Let her scan $200 worth of groceries, then tell her you only have $40 and need her help figuring out what you should put back.

Find his way out of the woods if lost

Given the fact that I thought Yonkers was the woods, this is the one I’m never going to get and I have the greatest chance of dying from. I can’t drive on a recently paved road with no lanes! This is the only reason I am in complete favor of someone implanting a GPS microchip in my head! I have no idea where we are; I’m pushing the GPS button!